Arnold Snaps
by HeroineCruor
Summary: Every 90's kid is familiar with the classic football head pacifist who has the reputation of goodness and everyone has grown to love. Well, what if he finally snapped? Rated M for heavy cursing. Don't read if you don't want your childhood raped.


**A/N: Holy S! Am I posting a Hey Arnold story?! I never thought I would see the day!**

**I'm not a hardcore fan of the show, but I like it and enjoy watching it time to time. This fanfic is not showing any hatred, just so you know. I just wrote it for comedy only. :3 Seriously, if you can't laugh at the flaws of your favorite shows, you're hardly a fan.**

**The fanfic supports Arnold/Helga and Gerald/Phoebe. I despise Lila, actually the only character in the show I dislike heehee xD**

**Characters belong to Craig Bartlett.**

**Warning: Contains heavy cursing and possible rape of your childhood. May also cause explosive bloody diarrhea and sudden attraction to hamsters. You have been warned.**

* * *

"Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey-"

"ARRGH! SHUUUT UUUPPP!" Arnold screamed and smashed the clock to pieces with a bat violently. He sighed in frustration as he went to get rid of the remains in the garbage can and then he went to the kitchen to get breakfast.

He greeted his grandma and sat by the kitchen table.

"Morning, Arnold, would you like some tea?" She asked, bringing a tea pot to the table.

"Uggh, NO! What kind of nine-year olds drink tea? Y'know what. Screw breakfast. I'm off to school." He grumbled uncharacteristically as he jumped off the chair and went outside; not saying good-bye because he thought that was so mainstream.

Pookie stood behind, confused. Then she shrugged, thinking he went through puberty with his hormonal stress even though it didn't have it's breakthrough until he was 12. So she took the tea pot and dumped it on Phil's head.

He went to his locker where he met Gerald and they began to chat. It was pretty peaceful until Helga came through being a douchebag as usual. "Move it, sister! Out of my way, woodstick!" And of course, she didn't forget Arnold as she went up to him. "Your football head looks fatter than usual, hair boy!" She insulted and laughed evilly as she walked away. The boy closed his eyes and took long breaths. 'Stay calm, stay calm...' Decided that he could make through this without going crazy, he strolled over to the next class; art class.

There he met Lila, being friendly with her as usual. However, the more smarter he got, the more he realized how annoying her dialogue was.

"Ever so hello, Arnold! I'm ever so happy to see you again! How ever so dandy has your weekend been? I'm oh so gay as usual! Should I tell you about my ever so stories where I repeat my ever so annoying catchphrase?" Lila blabbered. Arnold's face twisted in annoyance but he repeated the same clamness ritual as before. But before he realized, he had poorly drawn a Lila on a paper with speech bubbles repeating "Ever so" in them.

He first wanted to toss it but then he came to the decision to keep it, so he put it away in his backpack so he could later to paste it on the wall beside the bed to remind himself how much of an annoying brat Lila was.

Then he decided to draw a bunny. He randomly painted it pink as his mind drifted away. He woke up from his trance when he heard Helga yell. "Hello, football head! What are you drawing football head? Oh, football head is drawing a pink bunny! That's so gay, just like his football head!" The boy had been holding a pencil the whole time and he was trying to bend it as his anger rose the more the insults came in. 'This takes the cake! If I hear "Football head" again, then-' His thoughts got interrupted by Curly.

"Look, I made a decapitated head out of a football! The red paint is blood, just for the icing!" He said, holding up a football with red stain on it and a sad face.

Now Arnold was shaking with fury, just hearing the word drove him ballistic. Then Lila decided to be an annoying moron so she stood next to him, holding his shoulder in worry.

"Arnold, are you ever so okay? I ever so worry about you. Oh, and my gesture does not mean I ever so like you like you..." He couldn't take it anymore, he broke the pencil in half.

"Oh, just shut the fuck up, you cunt!" Arnold slapped away her hand from him, and she stared at him wide-eyed in surprise. He stood up on the table and pointed a finger firmly at Lila, or as best as he could, he was trembling in rage.

"You big self-centered, high-pitch voiced, idiotic, annoying, damn, trashy self-hiding disgusting whore! You just come and comfort me and then you fucking set off the bomb you don't like me?! I fucking get the idea! You just think I still like you even though you're being a complete bitch and I've come over you centuries ago?! With your IQ, I bet you wont even get passed grade school! You'll have to centerfold yourself to make a living, you slutty tramp! Oh, wait a second, do I hear 'I'm already doing that', cause then you're finally telling the truth about your prostituting self!" He took a deep breath ignoring the shocked stares from anyone, this felt too good to stop.

"You just think you can steer anyone! You just think you're perfect! But you know what; you're a bitchy Mary Sue who doesn't even know how to count division because of the brain cells you've lost 24/7 since you lost your virginity! That's right, your vagina's so wide; that 4 guys can fit at the same time in it! Your head is so empty that even calling you a vacuum head is insulting to vacuum! Hell, the brain cells you've lost must be the reason you can't say a more creative phrase than 'ever so', because hearing it is making me drop IQ points every second!" He made a final, a smile tugging his lips seeing Lila's eyes all teary.

"You dumb, imbecile hooker. Just get a head start; I bet your next client is waiting after this lesson!" He yelled, giving her a dead glare filled with so much hatred and contempt. Even the teacher couldn't say a word, standing speechless. Arnold snapping on his 'crush' was mildly put a historical event.

Then Lila began to weep consumedly, sounding whorish even when crying, gathered her things and screamed before exiting the room. "Mom! Dad! Arnold knows all my darkest secrets!"

Arnold smiled in relief, breathing heavily as he felt his stomach tingle. That felt so GOOD. He wasn't going to take any shit anymore, time to be honest and stand up to anyone who tried to bitch at him.

Then Rhonda went up.

"Like, I know she can be annoying, but that was, like, pretty uncalled for." She said, manicuring her nails.

His fury went to her and everyone shook their heads at her thinking that she shouldn't have fueled it.

"And you, Rhonda! Don't let me get started on you! You're the biggest Alpha bitch ever slapping the page in my diary! You just enjoy your status as the major Cruella de Ville and doesn't give two motherfucking shits if anyone cries on your behalf, and that gives me a whole lot of time to waste to calm your complaining victims down and I'm fucking getting sick of being the peace maker of this place! Behave yourself, you fucking ego!" The now stunned Rhonda sat back down on her place, not saying another thing to fuel his anger.

He still went over to everyone else.

"You, Harold! Stop being a fatass and lose some weight! Stop being a whiny shit and do shit about it, you freak!", "Eugene, everyone knows you're gay, just fucking come out with it and stop living an the shadow of a fucking anthill!", "Can I have my lunch now?", "And you Curly, you fucking insane psychopath! You dick-twisted lunatic! Go to an asylum to clear up your blood-visioned head and then return to grade school, and don't go 'Here's Johnny' on me, I'm being honest and you overreact on things that a little baby wouldn't even care about! Seek help, seriously!"

Then Arnold pointed at Sid, Stinky and everyone else except Helga. "You, you, you and all the fucking rest." He said, his teeth gritting and sweating bullets.

"GROW THE FUCK UP! I don't understand how hard it is to keep this whole damn school peaceful for just a fucking minute! Stop coming to me with all your motherfucking problems, I'm not a psychologist! I'm a grade schooler, just like you! I'm fucking müde at being the school's only pacifist around! Start to watch some videos about Gandhi or Martin Luther King or Mother Theresa or what the fuck ever, just stop getting stirred up and learn to fucking keep your balls and breasts at place!"

Then Arnold turned up towards the ceiling and screamed generally.

"Point aside, how the fuck are we 9 years old?! Seriously, the sexual tension in all shit that's happening, heck Lulu in my dreams wanted to ride me and we haven't even hit puberty yet! People break up and get back together and flatly make out and we shouldn't even know what sex is yet! We shouldn't even get our jeans pressed against or wet at all! We should focus on fucking watching Barney or Sesame Street and play with toy cars! What has this world come to?! Why aren't we 12 or 13, it would make more sense! Hell, the author of the story thought we WERE 13 when she was a kid!"

(A/N: Yes, yes I did. Please don't stare at me...*blush*)

"I'm gonna find a fucking noose soon for good use if this shit doesn't come to an end sooner or later! Also, why am I wearing scottish clothing? People think I'm a crossdresser and crap! And people say I look like Stewie Griffin when I was created first, what's up with that? Compared to a homosexual baby?! He's even further from puberty than I am!"

Stewie walked in for a brief moment, a few tears slipping his eyes stupidly. "You hear that Rupert? He hates us!" He said in his British accent Before running out with a gay magazine in his hold. His nose was bleeding.

Arnold ignored the baby and ditched the continuity. "Screw this, you all know the rest about my life and I'll just get further on with my rant...YOLO."

Now he finally stared at Helga who was getting turned on by Arnold being a complete honest douche.

"And you Helga! What's wrong with you? Take the same boat as Curly to the asylum, for heaven's sake! You're practically obsessed and write poems and shit about me, make shrines and have erotic dreams about me even though, what I've said countless times, we are kids?! You kissed me three times throughout the series and you STILL think I haven't figured?!" He shouted, everyone staring at Helga who was now blushing furiously.

_**Backflash Kcabhsalf**_

Helga was sitting on her bed rehearsing her poetry in her 3,849th book.

_"Oh, Arnold! How I long to feel the mirrored burn inside of your body with mine! _

_How I long to see the day where I will have you I'll be rid of my shrine! _

_How I long that the secret passes my lips and you will finally press those against yours._

_The yearning feeling finally finding home of it's essential source._

_Alas, the feverish heat reaching out to my fingertips to the point of me falling sick_

_Oh, do I crave to feel the length in my mouth of your-"_

"Helga, did you pack your fruits for the vegetable festival?" Her mom slurred, obviously an alcoholic.

"No, I didn't! We don't have a festival!" Helga yelled back.

"Oh, darling, don't be shy! I know you really like pineapples!" Miriam said and walked off, probably to have some more vodka.

Helga put her face in her book. "Fuck you, Miriam!"

_**End of kcabhsalf**_

Then Arnie randomly came in a snorted sexily. "You're just jealous that I got to tap Lila but you didn't." He stated, completely off-topic. "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU PESKY RELATIVE YOU! Get the fuck out of my school." He said, jumping off his desk and pushing and kicking him out of the classroom. Arnie, now outside, shrugged and strolled off to count some more gum and read ingredients of an aphrodisiac dish.

Arnold went over to Helga and everyone gasped as he seductively grabbed Helga close to him and talked huskily.

"But hot damn, your obsession over me is such a turn on." Helga melted at the words and began to drift away to heaven. Everyone began to feel uncomfortable and exited the classroom and left them behind. Even the teacher.

"Let's go make out and shit." He said eagerly. However, Helga pushed him off and explained some matters.

"I'd love to Arnold, and I think you're a sexy beast, but...let's wait until the Jungle Movie will be shot. We can't ruin for the fans that you already love me. It's Cyma's decision though, and-" "Fuck Cyma." Arnold cut off disappointingly.

Helga breathed again.

"However, it's not entirely sure yet if the movie will be put off, but we can always hope. Everyone, send letters to this adress: 'Cyma Zarghami, Nickelodeon, 1515 Broadway-'

"I said FUCK CYMA!" Arnold yelled, grabbing Helga bridal style and ran out. Helga was a bit scared at this first, but then she shrugged and giggled as he took her inside a locker.

Phoebe stood there with Gerald and stared at the locker for a few seconds.

"Luckily viagra wont work on him, he is not even close to puberty stage." She trailed off quietly.

The Gerald pulled her close to him. "I love your nerdy talk! Let's go do the same!"

"You have my agreement!" She said shyly, but enthustiastically, as they ran inside a locker as well.

Later, the boys, Arnold and Gerald, left with lipstick stains all over their faces. Gerald patted Arnold on the back encouraging.

"Dude, I'm glad you snapped." He said and sighed happily.

Arnold slapped Gerald excitedly double as hard, happy as well.

"Fuck yeah I am!" He replied, his personality taking a turn for the better.

Gerald then remembered something, his expression turning into that of horror.

"Oh good Lord, you know what I just realized?" He asked, answering his own question immediately. "That the author just raped millions of persons childhoods, but I don't know if she cares?"

"Oh right," The blonde faded out, then his eye twitched,

"Fuck."

**THE END**

**A/N: I hope you enjoyed. If you pained yourself through and want to kill me, aim it at a punching bag. Nothing is my fault. Blame yourself for reading the story. Have a good night/day/internet life and review if you like :3**


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